Borderline Personality Disorder? Or something else?

Question by Conflicted: Borderline Personality Disorder? Or something else?
This is going to be very long, so please bear with me…

I am 20 years old. My younger brother was diagnosed with Leukemia when he was 2 and I was 4. He relapsed when he was 7, so most of my childhood revolved around him fighting cancer. I used to be PAINFULLY shy. My parents were very strict, putting immense pressure on me (particularly my dad) to do well in extracurriculars and academics. I received all A’s. I gained admission into Brown University. I now attend this college. In high school, I was constantly stressed, nervous, anxious, unhappy, and paranoid, but my exterior seemed overly bubbly to outsiders. I was either very depressed or very happy, never in between. I am still this way. I either think i am hideous ****-up, or a beautiful success. I make impulsive decisions. I become obsessed with something for a few days or weeks, and then I am over it. I go through periods of extreme depression, but others seem to think i am happy. In schoolwork, i procrastinate, because I am unable to bring myself to do work unless absolutely necessary. Then, i panic, and go without sleep for days to get it done. I am very insecure. i have been bulimic for a few years now. I hate myself and worry about my future. I hate to use the word “empty” because it is so stereotypical of this disorder, but sometimes I feel this way. i feel useless and hopeless. i am going through a period of severe depression right now because i was recently diagnosed with a chronic (but not serious) disease. it is possible that it will disappear over time but i worry that it will not. my room and everything i own is always in complete disarray but once in awhile i will clean it anally. i determine my self-worth based on what others think of me, and i am not anti-social. i am very outgoing, loud, funny. i have many friends. i attend an ivy league school. i have a family who loves me. but still i hate everything. all i want is a man to love me. it pains me that no one does. i have engaged in very promiscuous behavior, and have slept with around 15 men. i hate it and i hate myself for it, but it temporarily makes me feel pretty or loved or i don’t know. i can’t take this anymore and for the longest time i have felt that there is something wrong with me. someone tell me what is wrong with me. please, help.

thank you for your time and help.

Other facts to keep in mind: i have put pressure on myself to look “attractive,” i spend much time on my appearance, and thankfully i am many people’s idea of pretty (not trying to brag, but to give an understanding of my life.) a lot of my thoughts revolve around my physical appearance. i also think of sex constantly, and have engaged in masturbation daily from the age of 11 or 12, and i have had sexual encounters with both males and females. i think about sex constantly. when i am actually having sex, it is not a loving act. i feel like i am not even there. it is only about the physical. sometimes i think of suicide, but not seriously. more as a “back up plan.”

also, i love getting attention, and i party a fair amount. not so often, but when i do i drink A LOT. i blackout frequently. i take adderall in order to curb my appetite and concentrate. i think it is becoming a problem.
excuse me, “mother hubbard,” but since when is behavior such as bulimia and thoughts of suicide normal?? i am extremely depressed and i don’t know why. please take your “know it all” attitude elsewhere, because you have been of no help.

Best answer:

Answer by Courtney C
It sounds a lot like it could be BPD, but needs to be diagnosed correctly by a professional.

If you are correct, and BPD is what’s going on, here’s my experience. I simply copied and pasted this from what I wrote to someone before, as there are a few questions about BPD on YA, and I just wrote about my experience:

I’m going to say something crazy. I’m a female with BPD and I know the misery and all around insanity of it.

However- one day I took up a textbook on psychiatric disorders and it had a great chapter on BPD and read that thing through very thoroughly.

At that point, the strangest thing happened. I was so aware of my condition that I started calling myself on all my ****. I can’t really explain it, but it was like “I can’t even fool myself anymore!” And, it was all totally unplanned.

I started to notice my acting out and a lot of destructive behavior started lessening and lessening.

Am I totally over it ? No. I still have issues but they are much milder and I have a lot more control over my impulses and behaviour than I ever imagined I’d have. And I still go to therapy, but the issues aren’t life and death anymore. It’s more about how to maintain good relationships, and all that.

It’s been nearly 13 years and haven’t reverted back to the degree of dysfunction I used to have, yet.

This was just my experience, but I thought it worth mentioning.

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Tags: Borderline - Disorder - Else - Personality - something